Today I watched a video that brought me to tears, and by tears I mean a deep, painful sob that started at the tips of my toes and worked its way through years and layers of protection, making a noise that scared even me. It was one of the most cathartic cries I've had in years and brought brought me to a intersection of questions and then directed my path with some answers and a lot of humility. This is the video I'm referring to. Watch and then I'm going to disclose some very intimate details about myself that I hope will help someone out there.
I have not always been who I am now--a woman who proclaims a little too often: "I could never respect a man who loves me." That statement is born of a number of things. I have been told over and over again, "Women fall in love with their ears and men fall in love with their eyes." That leaves me out in the cold. I am many things: talented, creative, sometimes kind and thoughtful, driven, funny, silly, loyal, learning to be less judgmental, striving to be more Christ-like, service oriented, and passionate. What I am not is a trophy and I'm really and truly fine with that. I have learned to love and embrace my autonomy and solitude.
This was my graduation photo. Being a little artsy-fartsy, I chose to do the black and white for dramatic affect. You can't see it here, but I was already constructing layers of protection around my heart and vital organs. Childhood traumas had put me on a path to ruination and it was manifesting itself in my behaviors. I did a lot of preemptive striking to avoid the pain of eventual disloyalty I knew everyone was capable of. I flew without a net and secretly hoped that there was someone below to catch me and hold me.
My childhood traumas were amateurish with displayed alongside the pain of my adult relationships. As many of you know, I had a husband of 17 years who chose to date other women while we were married. I then went solo for a few years and thoughtfully jumped into a marriage with someone who chose to date other men while we were married. Yea, that little discloser could only be endured with the help of two valium to get through the day.
The result of these and a few other random acts of blindness added a few more layers. Stress is so erosive and it took its toll on my bones, spine, joints, disposition, and outlook. I packed on the pounds and was quite a brilliantly functional depressive. I cried a lot, but nearly worked myself to death to support my family.
The result is the today me: 56, overweight, advanced degenerative disc disease, using a walker and sliding into wheelchair territory. But happy. Really happy now inside and deteriorating outside. I finally know who and what I am. I am a child of God, a divine daughter of royal birth and nothing . . . NOTHING that happens in this life will ever change that.
Now back to Dustin Hoffman and his brilliantly pithy disclosure. This man taught me today that there are men who get women. There are men who understand that we are more than the sum total of our parts. That men, and women, often rob themselves of treasures because the chest is too worn or unattractive. I am humbled by his disclosure. I am grateful for his strength to share his story with the world, just as I share mine with you. I am lovable. I am good. I am a princess. I deserve better than what I allow myself to settle for.
The result of these and a few other random acts of blindness added a few more layers. Stress is so erosive and it took its toll on my bones, spine, joints, disposition, and outlook. I packed on the pounds and was quite a brilliantly functional depressive. I cried a lot, but nearly worked myself to death to support my family.
The result is the today me: 56, overweight, advanced degenerative disc disease, using a walker and sliding into wheelchair territory. But happy. Really happy now inside and deteriorating outside. I finally know who and what I am. I am a child of God, a divine daughter of royal birth and nothing . . . NOTHING that happens in this life will ever change that.
Now back to Dustin Hoffman and his brilliantly pithy disclosure. This man taught me today that there are men who get women. There are men who understand that we are more than the sum total of our parts. That men, and women, often rob themselves of treasures because the chest is too worn or unattractive. I am humbled by his disclosure. I am grateful for his strength to share his story with the world, just as I share mine with you. I am lovable. I am good. I am a princess. I deserve better than what I allow myself to settle for.